Mourning, or the more private experience of
grieving, is a universal human response to loss. Your profound sadness at
the loss of a pet, however, is not something that is universally shared.
Friends, family, or coworkers may not understand the depth of your current
sorrow just when their support is most needed. I hope that the discussion
below brings you some comfort and the reassurance that it is normal to
grieve for our pets. Your life will be forever enriched by the time you
spent together, however short that time may be. Please accept my deepest regrets
for your loss; for some words of comfort, please read on...
Peace,
Dr. Stefanie
Schwartz (Dr.Cookie®)
Pet
Loss Support Group
Dr. Schwartz leads
the group at the VCA South Shore Animal Hospital in So. Weymouth, Massachusetts.
This free service offers comfort to those recovering from the loss of a
cherished pet. Please call (781) 829-2229 or (781)
337-6622 for more details.
Sorrow comes in great
waves…but it rolls over us, and though it may almost smother us, it leaves us.
And we know that if it is strong, we are stronger, inasmuch as it passes
and we remain. (attributed
to Henry James)
Coping With Pet Loss
Stefanie Schwartz, DVM, MSc, DACVB
For pet lovers, the death of a cherished
companion can be as painful as the death of a relative or friend. In fact, the
death of a pet can affect some of us even more than the death of a relative or
friend. All of us have distinctive and unique relationships with every pet that
becomes part of our lives. The loss of one might impact us more than the loss of
another, but they each shape us in their own way. Grieving for your pet is the
same as mourning the death of a human being. The difference lies only in the
value that is placed on your pet, or pets overall, by your family and by society
in general.
Our pets come to symbolize many things. They can
represent a child, perhaps a child that was lost, or one yet to be conceived, or
the innocent child in us all. They may reflect the ideal mate or parent, ever
faithful, patient, and welcoming, loving us unconditionally. Our pets become our
playmates and siblings. They reflect our inner selves, and become the embodiment
of many of the qualities, good and bad, that we recognize or lack in ourselves.
Every member of your family will have a distinctive relationship with the same
pet, and you might even relate to the same pet in a different way through the
day. Because your pet means different things to other people in your family or
circle of friends, they may not share the same depth of emotion that you do when
you grieve for your pet’s loss.
When a pet becomes terminally ill or dies, it is
natural to hope that your pain will be acknowledged, even if it is not shared,
by your support group of family, friends, and coworkers. Although you may value
your pet as much or more than many of your relationships with people, the
significance of your loss may not be fully appreciated by those you turn to for
support. Your grief may be intensified if you are disappointed by the lack of
empathy from someone you turn to for support. You do not need approval to
justify the pain you feel because of the loss of your pet. You do not need to
justify your feelings to anyone. On the other hand, understand that not everyone
can appreciate the joy you experienced with your pet, or how their loss has
shattered your world. Perhaps they are distracted with their own turmoil, and
simply are not emotionally available to you right now.
Move toward people who show you compassion. They
may emerge from the least expected places. Open yourself to colleagues at work;
you might make a new friend. Validate your pain with people who understand, such
as your veterinarian, veterinary technician, groomer, or another pet owner. A
local pet grief support group or bereavement might provide the comfort you need.
The death of a pet can trigger painful memories
to resurface. It is usual to be confronted with issues from the past that were
long buried but unresolved. These could complicate your stress. Still, you are
not alone. Find solace with your favorite clergy, or with professional
counselors in your area. Despite your grief, this is an opportunity to grow. The
time you had with your pet, however brief,
made your life more glorious and meaningful. This is a gift that exceeds their
passage.
Stages of Grief
Grief is a universal experience. It is a normal
response to an individual’s own terminal illness, or to the loss of a
treasured being, human or animal. Bereavement is the general term that includes
mourning, the public display of loss, and grieving, which is a more private
experience.
There are five stages of normal grief, but every
individual will experience it differently. The five stages do not necessarily
follow in order, nor are they felt with the same intensity or duration. It is
normal to bounce between stages before reaching a sense of peace. The death of
your pet will probably force you to contemplate your own mortality, even
questioning your own belief system. The common denominator between us all, and
what helps us to survive our grief, is hope. As long as there is life, there is
hope. As long as there is hope, there is life.
Denial and Isolation: It
is completely normal, and even necessary to our survival, to first deny reality
when it is too painful. In the face of overwhelming emotions, denial is a
defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock of a situation. We block out
the words and hide from the facts. This temporary response floats us through the
first wave of pain.
Anger:
The masking effects of denial and isolation fade, and the pain of reality
returns whether you are ready or not. Perhaps as a way to deflect unbearable
emotion away from your vulnerable core, it is turned outward and expressed as
anger instead. Your anger might be aimed at inanimate objects, or redirected
onto complete strangers, family or friends. You might even feel angry at your
pet, who is the source of your pain, even though your rational side reminds you
it is not your pet’s fault. Still, it is normal to resent your pet for causing
you such pain or for leaving you. You might even feel guilty for being angry,
and this could anger you further.
You might take your anger out on the veterinarian
who first diagnosed your pet’s illness, failed to cure your pet, or performed
your pet’s euthanasia. Veterinary professionals may deal with death and dying
every day, but that does not make them immune to the suffering of their patients
or to their grieving guardians. If you need to, ask your veterinarian for extra
time or just one more explanation of your pet’s condition and treatment
options. Arrange for a special appointment or telephone time with you. You are
entitled to clear answers about your pet’s diagnosis and treatment. Discuss
the potential cost of treatment options. Inquire about a referral to a
veterinary specialist who might provide more advanced care. Discuss burial
plans. Understand the options available to you. Take your time; write things
down. Honest and open communication with your veterinarian now is a long-term
investment in your professional relationship and emotional health.
Bargaining:
No one likes to feel helpless. It is perfectly normal to try to
regain control and feel less vulnerable. In this next stage, you might find
yourself trying to stabilize the present state of turmoil by rationalizing the
past and even the future. Your thoughts will be flooded by questions that start
with ‘what if’ and ‘if only’... If only you had gone to the clinic
sooner, what if you get a second opinion from another doctor, what if you had
changed our pet’s diet, if only your pet would recover...you might make a deal
with God or your higher power in an attempt to change the dismal outcome. The
bargaining stage is a weaker line of defense that makes a final, almost
desperate attempt at protecting us from the inevitable.
Depression:
There are two types of depression associated with grief:
The first one is a reaction to more practical
considerations, such as the cost of treatment and burial. We feel guilty for
spending less time with others because of our grief. Sometimes it helps to have
simple clarification and reassurance that we haven’t let anyone down. A bit of
helpful cooperation and a few kind words can go a long way to boosting our
spirits.
The second type of depression is more subtle and,
in a way, more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate from and to say
goodbye to a beloved friend. Sadness and regret predominate this stage.
Sometimes all you really need is a hug.
Acceptance:
Not everyone reaches this stage of grief. Some may never progress
beyond denial, or may remain angry. It is important to work through each phase,
however it comes, so that you can achieve a sense of closure. Finding peace in
your heart is a gift. This phase is characterized by withdrawal and calm. It is
not a period of happiness but it is different from depression.
Pets who are terminally ill or aging appear to go
through a final period of withdrawal, too. This does not mean that they are
aware of their own mortality. Perhaps physical decline produces a similar
response. Their behavior, however, suggests that limited social interaction is
natural near death. The last gift that our dying pets give us is the example of
their dignity and grace.
Explaining Pet Loss to Your
Child
We instinctively want to protect our children
from hurt and harm. Surprisingly, most children soon adjust to the death of a
pet if they are prepared with honest, simple explanations. Children begin to
process the concept of death from a young age, even though they may not
consciously be aware of it.
It will be more difficult for a child to resolve
grief for a lost pet if the child is not told the truth. Adults should avoid
terms such as ‘put to sleep’ during discussions about the euthanasia of a
family pet. Some children have misunderstood this common but unfortunate
expression and have developed a terror of going to bed and falling asleep. This
expression, and others like it, is not helpful to the child and imply the adult’s
own denial of dealing with death. Another commonly used explanation to children
is that ‘God has taken’ the pet. This has been known to create conflict in
children, who could become angry at God or their parent’s beliefs, for being
so cruel to them and their pets.
Each in their own way, children can understand
that life must end for all living things. Your goal should be to acknowledge
their pain, support their grief, and validate their every emotion. The death of
your pet is an important opportunity to teach your children that you can be
relied upon for comfort and reassurance. Encourage your children to express
their innermost feelings. Losing your pet can make your family reach out to each
other, and become closer and stronger for it.
Grief in Pets
Dogs and cats develop strong emotional bonds with
people as well as with other pets. They can develop signs of depression or
anxiety, such as loss of appetite and social withdrawal, in response to the
death of a close companion. These reactions are usually brief, but serious or
prolonged reactions following the death of another member of the household
(human or nonhuman) are reported. For example, episodes of house soiling and
destructiveness are common. This does not mean that pets understand the concept
of death, however, they certainly can feel emotional pain caused by the absence
of an attachment figure. In every way, grief is an extreme form of separation
anxiety. From this perspective, your pets may well react to death.
Part of the emotional reaction and recovery of
surviving pets will also depend on you. The behavior and mood of your pets will
necessarily be impacted by your deep sadness. During your initial phases of
grief, your remaining pets may get less attention, exercise and playtime with
you. If your dog or cat shows any change in behavior or health following the
loss of a housemate, consult your veterinarian. A referral to a veterinary
behavior specialist will help them to cope. Although this is a difficult time
for, it is important to maintain your daily schedule of walks, feeding, or play
time. This will help your surviving pets to adjust, and will also be very
comforting to you.
Reasons for Euthanasia
Regardless of whether the death of our
pets is sudden and unexpected or comes at the end of a slow decline, we are
never fully prepared to lose them or aware of what they have brought to our
lives until they are gone. Your involvement with their final passing may be
passive. Perhaps you simply chose not to pursue additional treatment in an older
pet. Perhaps there was no cure available and the best treatment option was to
control pain and make them as comfortable as possible. Perhaps their illness or
an accident took them from you suddenly.
We secretly hope that our pets will pass
peacefully. We would prefer to find them curled comfortably in their favorite
sunny spot. If you are in the position of having to take an active role in your
pet’s ultimate destiny, however, the impact of his or her death could be quite
different.
Euthanasia is the induction of painless death. In
veterinary practice, euthanasia is accomplished by the intravenous injection of
a concentrated dose of anesthetic. There may be slight discomfort as the needle
tip passes through the skin, but this is no greater than for any other
injection. It will take just seconds to induce a total loss of consciousness,
followed by respiratory depression and cardiac arrest.
Doctors of veterinary medicine do not take this
option lightly. Like our human counterparts, our lives are dedicated to the
diagnosis and treatment of disease. We, too, pledge to do no harm to the
patients in our care. Veterinarians must continually balance the benefits of
extending an animal’s life versus prolonging suffering. Euthanasia can be
merciful if it ends a pet’s suffering.
The request for euthanasia of a pet is the most
difficult decision a pet owner can make. You may resent being charged with so
much power. You may feel angry at your pet for forcing you to make such a
painful decision. You might postpone your decision, hoping that if another day
goes by your decision will be unnecessary. Guilt sits heavily on the one who
must decide. There are two fundamental guidelines to help make your decision
clearer:
- Do what is best for your pet, even if you
temporarily suffer for it.
- Do what will cause you the least amount of
regret later. Your pet deserves a painless death, but you have the right
to live a happy life.
Grief and mourning are individual experiences.
Some of us are more private and appear to recover more quickly. Some pet owners
become angry at the mere suggestion of looking for another pet, while others
find great comfort in acquiring a new pet right away. In their grief, pet owners
may feel disloyal to the memory of their deceased pet. There is no rush. No pet
can replace the one you lost, but if you choose to get other companions, they
will make another place in your heart that is all their own. Try not to make
comparisons to the pet that preceded them. Appreciate any new pets as
individuals and love them for who they are, not for who they remind you of.
The following list of questions is offered
to help you make some difficult decisions in an emotional time. The list is
intended to guide you, but only you know what is best for you and yours. Resist
feeling pressured to make decisions if you are not ready to make them. Speak
with people who can provide additional clarity or options. Consider what will
bring you the least cause for regret after your pet is gone...
- What is the current quality of your pet’s life? Is your pet in pain?
- Is your pet eating, playful and affectionate toward you?
- Is your pet very tired and withdrawn most of the time?
- Is there something you can do to make your pet more comfortable?
- Are other treatment options available? Would referral to a veterinary
specialist help you make a clearer choice or improve your pet’s
quality of life?
- If a behavior problem has caused you to consider euthanizing your pet,
have you consulted a veterinary behavior specialist?
- Are you increasingly frustrated, angry or resentful because of the
impact of your pet’s declining health or behavior on your own quality
of life?
- Are your negative emotions impacting your pet’s desire to be near
you?
- How would the quality of your life change if your pet were not with
you?
- Do you want to be present if you choose to euthanize your pet or would
you prefer to say your goodbyes before and not be present?
- Do you prefer to be alone or invite a family member or friend for
support?
- Have you thought about making special burial arrangements such as
cremation or private burial? Your veterinarian can help you with these
arrangements, and might also be able to temporarily store your pet’s
body to give you time to decide when you are feeling better)
.
Do you want to adopt another pet right away?
Would it be better to take the time to heal from your loss before
thinking about opening your heart and home to another pet?
What can you do to turn your pain into something positive? (e.g.
donation to a pet shelter or veterinary teaching hospital; volunteer at a
veterinary clinic; put together a special photo album or scrapbook full of
happy memories; write a poem; visit a long lost friend or relative; work
out at the gym; take a class; start a new hobby...)
© Stefanie Schwartz, 2003
Walk
on a rainbow trail;
walk on a trail of song, and all about you will be
beauty.
There
is a way out of every dark mist, over a rainbow trail.
NAVAJO
SONG
Treasure
the lives that have touched you and move forward
with those who remain by your side.
Peace
to all creatures, great and small...,
Dr. Stefanie Schwartz
www.dr-cookie.com
